


Please Don't Let Me Go

by MicoolandVav



Series: It's Never So Easy [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M, Recovery, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 20:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1317793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MicoolandVav/pseuds/MicoolandVav
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gavin returns home, he could not possibly have fathomed how hard it was going to be to get back into the swing of his life. He hadn't a clue how difficult it would be to turn away from the crutch - the one that was the result of the scars on his wrists and on his heart - that he'd been dependent on for so many years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Don't Let Me Go

It had been months and yet, somehow, Gavin was still so encumbered by everything he’d done to alienate the people he’d cared so much about. He carried that load on his shoulders, tied around his wrists, weighing down his feet.

Despite the attempts of the others to comfort him, Gavin found himself incapable of letting his wrong doings go. Sometime’s the guys would laugh during a let’s play and Gavin would just still, take in their laughs as though he’d get tossed out on his ass again. Gavin was fragile, having realized how wrong he’d been. He’d once been the bull in the china shop, but now he was the china, frightened of the five bulls in the room.

More often than not, Gavin would still for no apparent reason, remembering how terrible he’d been to the guys.

***

_Gavin sniffled, rubbing at his eyes angrily. He’d never felt so out of place. So neglected. They were all sitting in the other room laughing, and here he was with a blade in hand and blood splattered throughout the basin of the white sink. If Gavin wasn’t so upset, he’d find the sight comforting._

_Their laughs were like a bright spot in his dark world, usually, but Gavin was beyond the point of return. He hadn’t been able to get help. Every time he’d wanted to confide in them, they’d been too happy. Gavin never wanted to bring them down from their good moods, knowing the consequences Gavin would inflict upon himself would be grave._

_When Michael opened the bathroom door, eyes travelling between the blade poised in Gavin’s flesh, the blood in the sink, and the tears in Gavin’s eyes, Gavin’s heart dropped. There was nothing he could do to stop the ensuing rage, incapable of fighting against the strong hands that pulled out the blade. The clatter of it hitting the wall rung in Gavin’s ears long after he’d cast himself away from them._

_The screaming was the worst part._

***

Gavin always knew that the situation should have been addressed before it had been discovered against his will. He knew that no matter what, he would have always been accepted and they would have wanted to help him. But Michael had been so angry.

Sometimes during Let’s Play’s, Michael would scream at Gavin out of fun, and Gavin would flinch and still. They’d have to stop the recording to comfort him, and Michael would hold Gavin in his arms until the scattered pieces of his heart and mind would settle back together where they belonged. Michael would whisper soothing words, for fear of Gavin leaving them again. They’d cast him out, but they hadn’t been able to understand his situation and Michael would always do his best to try to understand after he brought Gavin back.

No one ever blamed Gavin when they scrapped hours of work to restart a Let’s Play that had been ruined by a breakdown. No one blamed Gavin that he was fragile, and each man individually categorized what they could say to Gavin and what they couldn’t.

***

_“You mother fucker! Why the fuck would you do this to yourself? You’re fucking kidding me, right?” Michael had screamed insults at Gavin for the better part of an hour, while Gavin remained still on the floor. Silent tears streamed down his cheeks and mingled with the blood staining his shirt. He held his wrist against his shirt, unaware of the blood causing the fabric to stick to his chest._

_Michael’s rage had pulsated, and despite the pleas of the other men to calm down, Michael had refused to calm. He was enraged. Enraged that Gavin – his perfect, beautiful, amazingly intelligent Gavin – had been harming himself purposefully. Michael had never thought to ask why. He’d been enraged with himself for not realizing sooner that the Brit had needed his attention. He’d been so enraged that he couldn’t bring himself to hold Gavin and tell him things would have been alright. He’d been incapable of telling Gavin that he would support him through everything._

_When Gavin’s eyes had fluttered and Geoff had caught him from hitting his head on the bathtub, Michael’s rage had melted. But Gavin didn’t remember the way Michael had held Gavin all the way to the hospital, or the way his fingers stroked through Gavin’s hair and tears welled up in his eyes. Gavin couldn’t remember the way Michael had whispered loving words to Gavin, promising he’d be there to keep Gavin’s head above water._

***

Gavin had been too fragile at first to tell him the truth; the others had collectively agreed to keep the truth from Gavin until he was in a state that they thought he could take it. Of course, Gavin never would have reached a state where he could hear that he’d upset and alienated those who would have otherwise supported him to the point that they didn’t know how to help him. The day Gavin had found that out, he’d relapsed. All those after-work appointments that Michael or Geoff or Jack took him to, all those games Ryan played with him in the middle of the night when Gavin felt most like lapsing back into his old way of life, all of it had just been a waste up to that point. Michael had let it slip, in a fight with Gavin over something stupid that neither of them could remember a week down. They just remembered the hospital visit afterwards.

Ray remembered it most vividly, he liked to think. He remembered the way Gavin looked pale and bruised the next day. Ray had been afraid to hold his hand the next morning; everyone else was trying to get Michael to go see Gavin. Michael had been so angry with himself for fighting with Gavin, he’d avoided Gavin until he was no longer angry. It had been three weeks before Gavin both got out of the hospital and saw Michael again. Ray stayed with Gavin most of the time. He held Gavin’s hand, kissed his pale fingertips, and crawled up onto the bed to hold Gavin tenderly when the British man broke down. He would read Gavin the news, and tweet for him. None of them wanted to worry their fans, and Gavin had made them agree to keep their personal struggles personal. As had the rest of the Roosterteeth employees.

Ray remembered seeing Gavin’s expression the day he was released. He remembered the light returning to Gavin’s eyes when his Mogar was sitting in the waiting room to take him home. Ray remembered how Gavin had hugged Michael so hard that both of the men were afraid the Brit would break again and they’d have to spend a whole other stint in the hospital. Of course, Gavin stilled when Michael told him he loved him. His eyes grew dull and distant.

***

_“You don’t understand Ryan. I can’t get better.” Gavin had pleaded with Ryan in the hospital, having woken up to find only the one man in the room. He had wondered briefly where Michael was, wincing at the way the bandages chafed against his raw wounds. He had forced himself into a seated position, ignoring Ryan’s pleas for him to lie back down._

_Ryan had ignored his consistent pleading and informed Gavin of the program he would be a part of from that point on. It was as though he was a robot on auto-pilot, and Gavin hadn’t known at the time how upset the older man was. He thought Ryan had been angry with him, that he hadn’t wanted to be in the room with Gavin. He thought Ryan had been disgusted by him. But Ryan hadn’t. He’d been eager to tell Gavin how they were going to help him, but when Gavin’s tone escalated and grew distressed, Ryan’s features shifted to sadness. Gavin’s constant denial of his ability to recover wore at Ryan’s armour, and after five days of attempting to get Gavin to give in, he had given up. He left the room and didn’t return, crying in Jack’s arms that night when none of the other men were awake._

_The rest had tried and given up on Gavin much like Ryan. And eventually, Gavin had screamed and denied as much as he could. When he was released, he took what he had in the hospital room and left. He didn’t look back. He had though they’d hated him, but Gavin had been so very wrong._

_***_

Gavin never really forgave himself, but after his relapse Gavin knew all too well that he had to get better for them. They would do just about anything for him, and Gavin had to give them his all. He put everything he had into it. When he was having a really bad day he’d have some bevs with Geoff, or he’d keep Ryan up until the next morning playing cards, or he’d watch Michael and Ray play video games, curled up in their laps; or he’d talk to Jack while he worked, listening to Jack talk him through whatever new project he was building. Sometimes Jack would build bookshelves, sometimes Gavin would help him. Sometimes Ryan would need sleep, and Gavin would curl up in his lap and listen to Ryan’s heartbeat until it’s strong and steady rhythm lulled him into sleep. Sometimes Michael and Ray grew tired of video games and they paid more attention to Gavin than Gavin often felt he deserved. Sometimes Geoff didn’t want to have some bevs, and instead he would get drunk off Gavin’s moans. Gavin would relapse on occasion, but never so bad as when him and Michael fought. It was a very long time before Gavin stopped belittling himself during his every waking moment.

After a year without a relapse, they threw Gavin a party. Gavin didn’t once think during the party that he didn’t deserve their kind words or their love. He didn’t think that he wasn’t deserving. He didn’t get the urge to make himself bleed for distracting these wonderful men. He smiled truly when they forced shots down his throat and he squealed with laughter when Geoff and Ryan lifted him into the air. He grinned, pleased with himself and his accomplishments and his lovely friends and lovers, when the whole party cheered for Gavin. He had a long way to go to recover, but when he woke the next morning with a raging headache, five arms draped over him, and hot, slightly sticky skin, he knew he was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> It took a long time for me to get to the point where I could write this, but a lot of you asked for it. So here you go. Hopefully you enjoy it. 
> 
> I still don't really know what's going on here ship wise.


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